Twenty

First of all, please note that I found this cool little bit of computer code where I open the html and paste it in and it makes the mouse poop sparkles on my blog. Please enjoy yourselves with that. :)

Second of all, I get a surprising number of pageviews on this blog. I literally never expected to have more than like maybe ten people read each post. But I get like eighty pageviews a month, not counting my visits for editing and writing purposes. Can I just say, wow. And also thank you, for bearing with me and my awkwardly long posts and my constant choices to bore people with my life stories on the internets. You're great. I like you. (Also I am considering allowing ads on the page chosen by Google plus because I would make money by hosting ads and I am a poor college student so you know maybe that could be a thing let me know what you think because if you would prefer no ads I will not do ads but if you are understanding then I might do ads I dunno)

Okay. That's business as usual, then.

I turn twenty tomorrow. I was born on the tenth of June, in the year 1993. As far as I know, I was adorable.

As I grew up, I remained adorable for a period of time. This declined rapidly around fifth grade, with the onset of puberty, and I remained much less adorable until I was like maybe seventeen. Then I became adorable again, and I have steadily remained adorable since.

The nice thing about having this non-adorable period of time though is that people are horrible and feel like they have to be good at something to be worth anything, and because I stopped being adorable I felt like I had to be good at other things, so I became good at music and books and crafts and stuff. It was fun.

I've also, of late, had like, major events go down in my social and emotional life that made me completely rethink who I am and what my purpose is in life and stuff like that. So, because it's a birthday gimmick of sorts and because I'm not going to actually want to write the post tomorrow (because I may or may not be going to an archery range with some friends and I may or may not be skipping class to do it because screw it it's my birthday and I haven't skipped class ONCE this term), I'm going to do this thing where I tell you twenty things I've learned in the last twenty years.

Okay. Here ya go.

20.) I have learned that being beautiful on the inside makes you so much prettier on the outside. Take, for instance, my mother. My mother doesn't think she is pretty, because she's kind of bigger, like me, but also a couple inches shorter than me. I absolutely do not understand this because I look at my mother and I see this amazing, beautiful woman who does her best to serve God in every way that she can through music, through food, through service, through teaching, and through her family. My mother has beautiful hair that she always takes the time to curl in the mornings and fluff it with a brush so that it will sit tall on her head. It's beginning to silver, and that just makes it even prettier. My mother has warm brown eyes that are kind and clever and dreamy by turns. My mother always smells like good shampoo. And when my mother plays the piano, she has such an expression of determined focus and dedication on her face that I can't help but think her beautiful.

19.) I have learned that it's easier to be straightforward and honest than it is to cover up your lies. I have always had a problem with squirrelling away food from the kitchen, whether or not I was allowed to eat it. And Mom would always know when I ate something that wasn't mine, no matter how well I lied about it.  (It turns out that I do not lie well anyway, so there you go.)

18.) I have learned that expressing your passions doesn't make you weird. I used to get annoyed at the Beauty for saying that "such and such a person was really hot," or that "so and so a person was so cute." The joke's on me, because now I do that literally way more than she does. I express my passions all the time. I talk about Harry Potter and Doctor Who and Jane Austen and the things I like and the people I think are good-looking and the bands I think are awesome and I'm just like "WORLD YOU ARE FREE TO DISAGREE WITH ME BUT HERE HAVE ADVICE BECAUSE I LIKE THINGS AND MAYBE YOU WILL TOO."

17.) I have learned that family comes first. Yeah, I might have really awesome friends, but friends do, in fact, come and go. Sometimes they move. Sometimes they get married. Sometimes they go on missions. Sometimes they decide they don't like you. Sometimes they make new friends. Sometimes they forget about you before you forget about them. Sometimes they make decisions that ultimately send them down different paths. But your family- well, you're stuck with them, for better or for worse. My family consists of the people who understand me often far more than some of my best friends do, not because they understand all the jokes I make or the references I throw into conversation but because they love me and they're able to deal with my quirks and habits in a way that others aren't always going to understand.

16.) I have learned that daily hugs are essential. I have a problem with this. I am an extremely huggy person. I am that person who, if given permission, will cuddle with you and be the big spoon OR the little spoon or who will play with your hair or rub your back and possibly even massage your feet (which is still gross though) because I like people and I like touching people because human contact is warm and it helps me to know I'm not so gross that people can't stand to have me touch them. My problem is that I don't always feel comfortable initiating contact and am often too shy to ask for it. So if we are in a group setting together, you may assume that you are allowed to platonically cuddle with me and if you have children I will cuddle with them too because BABIES.

15.) I have learned that showers are the best. In fourth or fifth grade, I had this issue where my hair decided it was going to go from soft, silky baby hair to gross, oily teenager hair AS FAST AS IT COULD and then a friend gave me a quiet tip one day that I should probably start using dandruff shampoo or really any shampoo because little pale flakes on dark shirts and jackets isn't exactly healthy or even pretty so I started washing my hair ever day instead of every few days and it made a huge difference. Also, showers are good for the following:

• cold water after being sunburnt
• dyeing your hair
• feeling sick
• feeling sweaty
• feeling depressed
• feeling sleepy
• anything really

14.) I have learned that, all of my father's evidence to the contrary, clothes are important. My dad had bullying issues in elementary school where people would make fun of what he was wearing and so as a kind of screw-you to the bullies, he actually does not care what he wears so long as it is appropriate to the situation he is going to be wearing the clothes at. And that is a great attitude to have, but my dad is not a lady, and he does not understand that most (but not necessarily all) women are very invested in what they wear. There are reasons for this (like some feminist stuff about how women are conditioned to think that what they look like is more important than what they do and how men are conditioned to think that the important things about themselves are their salaries and education levels and why aren't all people conditioned to think that the most important thing about themselves is their character and morals), but I'm not going to really talk about that. Let me just say this: I have figured out that I really like hats and scarves and that I am very fond of short dresses worn with skinny jeans and that I am short enough to work a high heel but tall enough to just wear flats if I want to as well and also I just really like shoes, heaven bless me but I like shoes. Shoes are great. And even though my mother never allowed my sister and I to buy underwear that was terribly fancy, I've been told that underpinnings that only you know about make you feel that much prettier, even though nobody is going to see them. And I would have to say that I agree.

13.) I have learned that learning never stops. You might have decided not to go to college, or you might be in college right now. You might have graduated college. You might have kids in college. You might have grandkids in college. You might live in a third world country and never have heard of college because you hunt lions in the bush country of Africa. But regardless, you learn something new everyday. Today is a Sunday and I still learned something. I learned that some wards can, in fact, call "Barbeque Specialists" as a legitimate calling. And I am not kidding you, I swear. I learned how to find computer code that makes my mouse on the blog page poop sparkles when you move it and I know literally nothing about computer code. And the Internet isn't evil. It's a great tool for learning and knowledge.

12.) I have learned that music is so, so important. I was not that chick who writes a blog during high school. I was the music nerd, everyone's accompanist, the pit girl, the violinist, the pianist, the mallet percussionist. I was even a singer sometimes. And then I went to college and I became an English major because I loved books even more than I loved music so I gradually stopped practicing due to lack of practice facilities for non-music majors. Luckily, I have begun practicing the piano again, because I have to play the piano for church now and I just love it so much. And I sing so much more. I know songs and I watch movies and I learn lyrics and I love to sing. It's great. And no matter how sad I am, music will always be able to cheer me up.

11.) I have learned that mental health is not necessarily a choice. All of my life I have heard people say, "Well, you can choose to be happy, or you can choose to be angry, or you can choose to be sad." That's not true. You can't choose how you react to things. Reactions are natural. They are how you and your body respond to things. What you can control is what you let other people see. But those are just emotions, just feelings. When you have depression, like I do, there is nothing beyond the help of drugs and God that can make you happy if you aren't happy. It is physically impossible to be happy when you are depressed. You can smile and hide and pretend, but it doesn't change anything. You'll still be hurting. Depression is not an emotion. You can't feel depressed. You can feel sad or anxious or angry or annoyed or blue or melancholy. But depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it is therefore not a feeling. It is a condition. And unless I have happy pills or unless God is in the mood to grant miracles, depression will remain, and I will not have a choice in the matter at all.

10.) I have learned that trying new things is awesome. I used to be a pretty picky eater. I wouldn't eat bananas or blueberries or spinach or Brussels sprouts or squash. But the thing is, most of those things were texture issues. I like spinach and Brussels sprouts and sometimes I like squash, if it is drowned in butter and copiously salted and peppered. I still do not like bananas because they are squishy. Blueberries are okay, as are strawberries. I have tried grapes in a chicken salad sandwich and they are yummy. Herbal tea is delicious. I try a different kind of ice cream every time I go to the store (but really, I've never met a flavor of ice cream I didn't like). I've had Cajun fries and potato dogs and pupusas and pineapple soda and it's all, frankly, delicious. And I have tried things beyond food, too- I've tried archery and I've shot a gun and I went on a three-and-a-half-day backpacking hike when I was fifteen and I tried school dances (but really church dances are way better) and I did ballet and gymnastics and even karate (for all of two weeks) and soccer and swimming. And I tried to learn the trumpet and I've tried to learn to whistle and I've tried to learn to French-braid hair and I've tried to learn how to play video games. Trying stuff is fun. If you don't try things, you will forever remain stagnant and boring and unsatisfied with your life.

9.) I have learned that sharing is caring. And I don't mean like sharing my toys with my siblings. I mean like sharing my thoughts and jokes and dreams and wishes, like with you guys. Sometimes I am told that I overshare. Maybe I do. And I'm not saying it's out of the fact that I'm far from home and miss my family and prefer to type about things than talk to people about them- but I have reasons for doing what I do, primarily being that I am a writer and it's our job to share with people and to borrow from them in return.

8.) I have learned that there's no point in trying to be something you are not. I have tried to deny for years how excited I get about things. I would hear "Tomorrow for English class, we're going to be reading Pride and Prejudice," and I would have to bite my lip and physically restrain myself from jumping up and down and screaming. I tried not to let people notice when I thought someone was cute, or when I was having a bad day. I would hunch over and try to hide and hope that they thought I was invisible. But that was not who I am. I prefer the shadows when I can get them, of course, but if somebody notices me I don't mind all that much. In fact, I like staying in the shadows and letting people come to me to bring me out into the sun. I am not that hiding shadow girl anymore. I am vibrant and alive and full of color and dreams and fire and I scream and shout and laugh and cry and I am loud and talkative and you cannot get me to shut up, not for a million dollars.

7.) I have learned that when somebody hurts you, the best thing to do is nothing. Really. I'm not saying ignore it. But don't do anything stupid, like punch someone in the face or kill them or blow up a building or send them nasty emails or envelopes full of anthrax. When you've been hurt, you should just breathe, in and out and in and out, until the pain fades enough for you to decide what you should do. And at that point, you have three options:

• Tell the person who hurt you, calmly and politely, that what they did was wrong and hurtful (unless it was necessary, in which case tell them that it was probably possible for them to hurt you in a kinder way) and that you wish they had not done it and that you are sorry for whatever you did to provoke the hurting. Then continue on with your life, because it's not worth getting hung up over.
• Do something nice for that person. Then continue on with your life, because it's not worth getting hung up over.
• Continue on with your life, because it's not worth getting hung up over.

6.) I have learned that you don't know anybody's story but your own, so don't judge them. In high school, my resting face looked like this:

For some weird reason, people always assumed that I was angry or upset or pissed off about something, when the reality of it is that I would be spacing out and thinking about mad men in blue boxes or something. That's not an angry face. That's an impassive face. It's a family trait. I like to call it "the Abramson Stone Face Deluxe." My dad does it, my mom does it, the Beast does it, I do it, the Beauty does it, the Angel does it, and the Prodigy does it. We literally all have one. And we look like serial killers when we do it. But it is our resting face. Point: just because I look like a serial killer doesn't mean I am one.

5.) I have learned that people are not always who you think they are. This is important, because I have met people and become friends with them and then, it turns out, I didn't really know them at all, because either they did something I thought was totally awful or I did something they thought was totally awful and either way, it ended up not working out. My real friends are the people who are willing to explain to you that they are not comfortable with you doing a thing and who I am comfortable explaining to them that I am uncomfortable with them doing a thing and all parties are genuinely willing to cooperate with the situation. Real friends are people who are willing to change their actions but who won't compromise their morals for you. And if you're asking them to compromise their morals for you, then you are terrible and you should go home and rethink your life.

4.) I have learned that there is always somebody who is willing to help you. And yeah, you may scoff at my naive idealism, but for me it's true. I always have my family and almost always my friends. And when both of those fail, I'm still going to have God, my teddy bears, imaginary friends, and herbal tea. So no matter what happens, I'm going to be okay.

3.) I have learned that relationships are not 50-50. It's funny- you think, "Oh, we're equals in this relationship, so we each contribute 50 percent to this thing and it will work, right?" Yeah, no. The thing is, is that in every relationship there are two people. Brother and sister, mother and daughter, boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife, friend and friend. Therefore, the total you need to add up to is 200 percent, not 100 percent. Therefore, every relationship is 100-100. You give your all for the other person, and they give their all for you, and everything will work out just fine. And you may not want to give a hundred percent to another person for fear that they will break your heart- but that's the definition of trust. And if you don't trust someone enough to give them a hundred percent of yourself, you might want to question whether you should be in that relationship. There is no room for selfishness in a marriage or a family or between two friends. You give what you can and you expect nothing back. You will never be disappointed, but you will quite often be pleasantly surprised.

2.) I have learned that God is truly here and watching over me and all of us. If you're not comfortable with religion, feel free to skip this. I have been through a lot in the last year, and even more in the last twenty. And if there's one thing I have learned in my life, it's that God is present, and that He loves me and that He loves all of the people in the world, and that if I am faithful and serve Him humbly and as well as I can, He will bless me over and over again. In my church, we have some weird stuff we do, like tithing. When you get paid, you pay ten percent of your gross (not net) income to the church, and it is used for things like building new churches and Mormon temples and helping with missionaries and humanitarian aid and printing our books of scripture. Not a penny of it pays for the leaders of our church; our clergy are not paid. Our church is run by those who believe and are called of God to lead us. Even though ten percent is a lot of my gross income- I mean, ten percent for me, about twenty bucks, is like a week and a half of groceries for me- I pay it because I can't afford not to have the blessings that come with paying tithing. God has promised us that if we pay tithing, we will never want for anything. I pay my tithing, even my meager little part, because I truly do believe that. And for the same reasons, I don't wear clothes that are revealing or too tight, and I'm not going to have sex until I'm married, and I will never drink alcohol or smoke or drink coffee or (non-herbal) tea, because I know that the blessings that come from not doing these things far outweigh the advantages of doing them. Although really, are there any advantages to drinking alcohol or smoking? Are there any advantages to having sex before you get married? Not really, no. I'm not going to miss what I've never had.

1.) I have learned that I am a daughter of God, and that someday I will return to heaven and be with my family and the people I love forever. And that is really the most important thing that has taken me twenty years to learn.

Thanks for a great twenty years. I hope I live like, eighty more years. That would be cool.