My name is Sarah, and I am a white, heterosexual, able-bodied female college student. I recognize that I have certain privileges associated with these traits; I have never been the subject of racist, homophobic, or ableist remarks. I have never been sexually or physically abused. I am poor, but I am not living in poverty. I can basically afford to keep myself alive.
I consider myself old enough to write about this. I am nearly twenty-one years old, which is not very old, but it is old enough to understand and appreciate complex issues. I am an English major, and part of what I have studied in college includes gender studies, feminist readings, and queer theory. I am also a member of various online communities where gender and sexual orientation are discussed at great length, and I have listened and asked questions and attempted to be kind and polite to the community. My respect has been received warmly, and I have been able to learn a lot from kind people who answer my questions with patience and understanding.
I do not consider myself an expert on any of these issues. If you wish to more thoroughly study sexuality and gender, talk to someone who is practiced in those fields. Yes, there are people who study sexuality and gender as a part of the human psyche. I am not one of them.
I’m writing this post because there are people who exist on this earth who many Mormons don’t understand. We believe, of course, that gender is sacred and special. I believe that, too. I simply believe that we often exclude ourselves from being kind and polite to others because of our belief that gender is sacred and special. This post is an explanation of different kinds of sexual orientation and gender, and some guidelines to follow when communicating or speaking to or about people of different sexual orientations and genders. It is not an opinion post. It is a post of facts, about people who exist, and who have studied extensively to examine what makes themselves different from others.
That being said, here are some rules to assume when talking to ANY other human being, regardless of sexual orientation or gender.
1. Do not talk about genitals, theirs or yours or in the abstract but relating to theirs or yours. That is rude. It qualifies as sexual harassment. If you’ve ever gotten a weird message on Tinder, then you understand what I mean by that.
2. Do not assume gender. Sometimes you won’t be sure, or you will be tempted to ask. Don’t. It’s rude. It’s like asking someone how much they weigh.
3. Do not talk about their personal appearance or their body. That is rude. It is also like asking someone how much they weigh.
4. Do not tell anyone they are going to hell. That is rude. You do not get to decide who goes to hell, anyway. That is God’s decision. But if you tell people they are going to hell, you might as well reserve your own seat there, because telling people they are going to hell because of gender or sexuality probably merits you a spot. I am not an authority on who goes to hell, which is why I used the word “probably.” Whether or not someone goes to hell is between them and God.
5. Be kind. People of all sexual orientations and genders have horrible experiences and bad days, like the rest of us. I would venture to say that people of non-heterosexual orientation and non-binary gender sometimes have worse days than the rest of us, because they have to deal with homophobic and sexist slurs and sexual harassment more often than everyone else.
6. If at a loss to whether something is appropriate to say or not, imagine saying what you are thinking of to Queen Elizabeth. I would suggest President Obama, but most of the people who need to read this post have little to no respect for him, which is a shame in my opinion. If you would not say what you are thinking of to Queen Elizabeth, do not say it to the person you are speaking to. They might not be offended, but you do not know that for sure, and it is better to be safe than sorry.
Keeping with those guidelines, here are some general categories, identifiers, and words relating to gender and sexual orientation, so that you may better understand and empathize with the humans around you.
Heterosexual. This word refers specifically to persons of the male or female gender who are sexually attracted to persons of the opposite (binary) gender. If you are reading this, you are probably heterosexual. Heterosexuals make up the largest group of people in the area of gender and sexuality. You do not need to worry about people who you may currently think of as “the gays” trying to ruin your lives, your sexual orientation, or your marriage. As a person who has spoken with people who are not heterosexual, ruining your lives is the last thing on most of their minds. Most of them are just trying to get by from day to day, as all humans are. And since heterosexuals far outnumber most people who are not heterosexual, it might behoove you to think more about what your actions do to them than what their actions do to you. It might behoove you to do that anyway, as the only person whose actions you can control is yourself.
Homosexual. This word refers generally to a person who is attracted to a person of the same gender.
Gay. While this word refers specifically to a person of the male gender who is sexually attracted to other people of the male gender, it is also used to generally mean a person who is attracted to people of the same gender, regardless of what that gender is. When referring to a person who identifies as gay, do not say: queer, fag, homo. Those are slurs and inappropriate. People who identify as gay may use these terms in self-identification, as a way of reclaiming the slur for their own purposes. That does not mean it is okay for you or anyone else to use those slurs to refer to them.
Lesbian. This refers specifically to a person of the female gender who is sexually attracted to other people of the female gender. When referring to a person who identifies as lesbian, do not say: queer, fag, homo. Those are slurs and inappropriate. Do not ask “but who’s the girl and who’s the boy in your relationship?” That is inappropriate and rude.
Bisexual. This refers specifically to a person who is sexually attracted to people of either the male or female gender. When referring to a bisexual person, do not say that they are half straight and half gay. That is inappropriate and inaccurate. Do not tell a bisexual person that they are either straight or gay depending on their current partner. That is called erasure, and it is inappropriate and harmful to bisexual people.
Pansexual. This refers specifically to a person who is sexually attracted to all genders. You may say that pansexual and bisexual are the same thing, but there are people who do not identify as either male or female, and to assign a gender to one of those people is inappropriate and wrong. A pansexual person is attracted to the male gender, the female gender, and other genders. Do not tell a pansexual person that they are either straight or gay depending on their current partner. That is inappropriate and harmful.
Asexual. This refers specifically to a person who does not experience sexual attraction. You may believe that such people do not exist, but you would be incorrect. There are varying degrees of asexuality. Do not tell an asexual person that they will like sex once they have met the right person. This is inappropriate and rude.
Cisgender. This refers specifically to people who were assigned a gender at birth and who continue to identify with that gender. You may be confused about this. If you are confused about this, continue to read below.
Transgender. This refers specifically to people who were assigned a gender at birth but who do not identify with that gender. This is where you need to be careful about what you say to them and about them, lest you offend them or anyone else. A transgender person may be taking hormones to help them assimilate with the gender they identify with.Do not say: transsexual, transgendered, tranny, he-she. Those are slurs and inappropriate. A trans man is not a woman. A trans man is a man. A trans woman is not a man. A trans woman is a woman. Their genitals are none of your business, and asking about them is inappropriate. It is rude and inappropriate to ask if a trans man was “born a girl” or if a trans woman was “born a boy.” That implies that they have consciously made a change to switch genders. In reality, children realize their true gender between the ages of three and five, and sometimes it does not match the gender which they were assigned at birth. If you wish to ask someone about their birth assignation, use the phrase “dfab” or “dmab.” This means “designated female at birth” or “designated male at birth.” It is not wrong for doctors to assign a baby a certain gender. It ensures that the baby will receive care appropriate for their genitalia. However, if the baby grows into a person who does not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth, they may choose to make changes, such as wearing clothes associated with a different gender, undergoing hormone replacement therapy, and occasionally deciding on surgeries to help them live with their correct gender.
As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I believe that gender is sacred. I do not believe that God made mistakes by placing people in bodies that do not match their gender. I do not know for what reason transgender people exist, but they do exist. They are not confused. They are not wrong. You owe them respect. Use the pronouns they ask you to use, and do not ignore the choices they have made. I believe that God will explain His reasoning someday, and I believe that everyone will be happy, no matter their gender. In the meantime, it is polite and appropriate to use the correct pronouns and to treat transgender people with the respect they deserve. They are also children of God and their spirits are sacred kindred siblings to your spirits. Do not treat them unkindly.
Non-binary sexuality. There are some people who do not identify with the male gender or the female gender, which are referred to as the binary genders. Non-binary people may ask you to use different pronouns entirely. Please respect their wishes and politely use their pronouns. Address them by their name if you cannot remember their pronouns, and do not be afraid to ask if you need reminding as to their correct pronouns.
A word about pronouns: I have been talking about pronouns an awful lot, and I haven’t yet explained the concept. Pronouns are a part of speech used to refer to a noun without saying the name of the noun over and over again. Subject pronouns are: I, you, he, she, it, we, you (plural), and they. Object pronouns are me, you, him, her, it, us, you (plural), and them. Female associated pronouns are she/her; male associated pronouns are he/him. An acceptable pronoun to use for someone with non-binary pronouns is they/them. According to the English language, this is correct for a third-person singular pronoun. Never, ever refer to a non-binary person as “it.” That is dehumanizing, inappropriate, and rude. If someone has a set of pronouns they would like you to use, then use them. It is rude and inappropriate not to use them. There are a few alternate sets of pronouns, but they are complex to explain and if you meet someone who would like you to use them, ask them to explain it to you, as they will have a better understanding of the idea than I do.
There are other orientations out there. Asexuality has several subcategories. One such is graysexuality, which is when a person only rarely experiences sexual attraction. Another is demisexuality, which is when a person only experiences sexual attraction after an emotional relationship has formed. You may claim that these are not legitimate, but you are incorrect. If a person identifies as a certain sexual orientation or gender, then it is legitimate. Confining your point of view to merely what you have been told all of your lives is limiting. Consider new ideas and possibilities, and your respect and kindness for others will grow. Ask yourself how you can serve others, and even if it is something as simple and kind as using the correct pronouns, then do it.
Returning to the guidelines I mentioned, we will use Queen Elizabeth as an example. Would you ever ask Queen Elizabeth if she has a penis or a vagina? Of course not. That would be highly embarrassing for you and for her, not to mention inappropriate. In that case, you should not ask any person what genitals they have, because guess what? It is embarrassing for you and for them, and incredibly inappropriate.
Would you ever refer to Queen Elizabeth as “he?” Would you ever act as though Queen Elizabeth was actually a man? Of course not. That would be foolish, because you know perfectly well that Queen Elizabeth is a woman. In that case, you should always address a person by the pronouns they request, because they are the gender they identify as. If you are unsure, ask or use “they.”
As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I know that most of what we believe is considered unkind to people who are of different sexual orientations. We believe that the most sacred and holy of relationships, one where children can be produced, is a marriage between a man and a woman. I believe that marriage and children are sacred, too. But just because I believe that marriage and children are sacred, just because I someday hope to marry a man and have between four and six children with him, I am not justified in being unkind to any person who does not believe that. We can teach gospel principles to those who are open to hearing it, but we should always be mindful of how other people think and feel. Being Mormon and having a testimony that I belong to the true church of God is not a free pass to be disrespectful of others. Being Mormon and having a testimony that I belong to the true church of God is, however, a very good reason to be kind and respectful to all people.
In Doctrine and Covenants 18:10-15, it says,"Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God; For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him. And he hath risen again from the dead, that he might bring all men unto him, on conditions of repentance. And how great is his joy in the soul that repenteth! Wherefore, you are called to cry repentance unto this people. And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father! And now, if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me."
To me, this means that I cannot afford to alienate even one person by saying that their gender or sexual orientation is wrong or wicked. I cannot afford to be unkind to anyone, because if the worth of souls is great in the sight of God, then He loves those people as much as He loves me, and as such they deserve to be treated with respect. Even if you believe that they are wrong or wicked or sinners, treat them with love and kindness and respect, and beg them to be patient with you as you learn the best ways to serve their needs. And if they feel loved and respected, then maybe they will become open to the gospel and to the love of Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost.
If you have any criticisms of the accuracy of my statements that are unrelated to gospel principles, questions about my phrasing or wording, or other comments, please feel free to do so. If you have criticisms related to gospel principles that suggest that people of different sexual orientations or genders are wicked, wrong, or sinful; or that I am wicked, wrong, or sinful for recognizing different sexual orientations and genders as legitimate, then you can keep them to yourself. This is not an opinion post. This is a post about people who exist in this world and who suffer a lot because most people don’t know how to show them kindness and respect. Please consider my words as a way of showing respect to those around you, rather than a criticism of Mormon culture. I love you, thank you for reading my blog.
