Married People Fart: A List of Things You Should Do In Your Marriage To Be Happy

1.) Go into a relationship with no judgments about the other person.

My dad doesn't judge anyone. Like, ever. I mean, yes of course he makes superficial judgments that all humans make, like judging the timing of another car or noticing that somebody is fat or black or blonde-haired or has a cat. But when he notices physical things about people, he's just like, "Oh, they're fat," without any negative connotation attached. "Oh, that person happens to be overweight. Interesting. Oh, that person happens to be black. Interesting." He's not boring, by any means. My dad is one of the most entertaining people I know. But he doesn't attach any levels of value to his observations about the world. I try to do the same thing.

That's how my dad saw my mom.

For most of my mother's life, she thought she was fat and she hated it and she swam and exercised and ate good foods. She went on a mission and in the MTC they taught her how to apply makeup and how to do her hair and how to dress stylishly. My mom is the most put-together woman I've ever seen in my life. Even on days when she stays home and doesn't go anywhere, she still usually showers and does her hair, because she's just like that.

And when my dad met my mom and they worked together on his graduate recital, they had a very business-like relationship, and my dad treated my mom as though her time were valuable, which to him it was. And in order to say thank you, he took her out to dinner a day or two after the recital.

So, a tip for you: treat your SO with respect and kindness and don't act like any natural characteristic of theirs is in anyway indicative of character flaws. Unless that natural characteristic is a love for ax-murder. Then you might want to call the police.

2.) Nike offers you some good advice: Just Do It.

A couple weeks after the dinner-as-payment-for-services-rendered, my dad was like, "Well, I have an evening here, and I could either go to this fireside thingamajig or I could stay home and watch this Star Trek movie on TV. Hmm."

And then the Spirit bonked him over the head with a baseball bat and was like, "Dude. Go to the fireside, and take that girl who was nice enough to play the piano for you. Because seriously, she's great." And some other stuff, that is slightly more personal and which I wouldn't divulge because that would be my dad's job.

So my dad took my mom to the fireside, and three months later they were engaged. Ka-ching.

3.) Never go to bed angry.

I find it unnatural that my parents don't argue. I mean, they disagree about things occasionally, like probably leaving the toilet seat up or down, or about toenail holes in socks, or maybe about how expensive baking stuff for everyone and their dog every holiday is. I dunno.

But like, they've never had a serious fight. And I know that that isn't, like, natural. Most couples fight at least once, because people are human and they fight sometimes. But my parents don't. I'm pretty sure it's because they have both realized that arguing is pointless, and instead they just lovingly express needs to one another and they both put like, 210 percent into their marriage and come out with 500000000 percent. I'm not even exaggerating a little bit. I will be hard pressed to find someone who I can live with and never argue with even a little bit.

But like, even if they disagree, it doesn't even permeate into my life, or into my siblings' lives. And I imagine that every night before they go to bed, if in fact on any night in particular my mother goes to bed at all, and they say, "Okay, sorry about whatever it was we disagreed about, because you're great and I like you and I'm blessed to have you so yeah, I'm not mad anymore I'm just sorry."

And then, because they're my parents, they might not cuddle but my dad will probably fart and my mom will probably end up crying because she's trying not to laugh. Ah, my family. We're the most adorable people I know.

4.) Be encouraging.

I always end up having forever-long talks with my parents where I ask for advice about things both awkward and normal, and I usually end up crying because I just love and appreciate my parents so much. They're both so smart about the gospel and about life and they have really good advice that always leaves me better off than if I hadn't asked for it.

But like, they do the same thing with each other. They communicate, and it's not ever passive-aggressive or even angry. They just tell each other stuff. They talk to each other. I mean, if you're getting married to somebody, you're probably at the point where you can fart in front of each other, right? Then you should be able to talk to each other about anything. Farting in front of someone you think is hot is more embarrassing than anything you could be talking about, ever.

5.) Be patient.

My parents aren't always patient with their children, but they are infinitely patient with one another. If my dad gets annoyed about something, he rants about it for five minutes while my mother listens with an expression of utter calm on her face. If my mom gets annoyed about something, she talks about it in a quietly angry manner and my dad inserts expressions of support and asks appropriate questions to convey that he is listening. They are both really good listeners. That's probably where I get it from.

6.) Do stuff that you both like.

My parents do music together, yes. But sometimes, in my childhood, I would go downstairs for a glass of water after my bedtime and see that my parents were just sitting and playing a board game. Usually Scrabble or something. My dad likes word games like that. And usually- not all the time but usually- he wins. But my mom has fun with it because my dad likes it. And on the other hand, my dad often does the dishes for my mother. So yeah, hot dates are like doing the dishes and playing Scrabble and maybe a concerto before bedtime. Sometimes they do things like go to the temple, but only on their anniversary or their birthdays or Mother's Day or something like that.

I can't think of anything else, but that's how my parents do things. And they've just reached the prime of life, their eternally youthful fifties, and they're still going strong and they love each other a lot and they love me a lot, which is why I assume they'll be okay with me writing this. And talking about them farting. Because everyone farts, we all know it, but it's embarrassing to actually do it in front of people. Now that you know that my parents fart, neither you nor they have to be embarrassed about it. Yippee!