Anxiety vs. Beliefs

Whenever I go on a date, I get physically ill. Not because the people in question I have dated are repulsive. It's because there are five million little things nagging at me at once. Do I smell funky? Why am I sweating so much? Is my hair okay? Did I brush my teeth? Oh my gosh, I was so busy worrying I didn't hear his question. Now I have to ask him what he said. I must look like such an awful person.

And so on, and so on. Literally ad nauseam. My mother tells me that one or maybe two of my aunts used to physically throw up before and after dates. I am thankfully not at that point. It could very well happen in the future.

Point being, anxiety is some serious stuff. It's like trying to move through water. You're slowed down considerably and constantly pushing against a force that seems greater than you are.

I've recently made some posts on Facebook related to things I believe. I get angry when I feel that my rights are not respected, and I post about things that piss me off.

I didn't get spoon-fed my opinions. I've come to accept my beliefs on my own. I am a liberal feminist Mormon. I am also a human being who suffers from depression and anxiety.

And whenever I make a post on Facebook, I sit and wait for the backlash. A lot of people I know are neither feminist nor liberal, and everyone's got something to say. And with every comment, I shrink a little further into my seat.

I'm not good at arguing. I am very bad at arguing. I come from a family more prone to forgiveness than to fighting. Even if we disagree, we kind of just let it go, because family is more important than arguing.

Let me be perfectly clear: when I say something on Facebook that everyone seems to feel the need to comment on, I feel threatened. It's not your fault. It's not even my fault. It's the fault of my anxiety, which interprets your comments as saying, "YOU USED TO BE SUCH A SWEET LITTLE NERD GIRL, NOW YOU'VE BECOME A NASTY SOCIALIST PIG, WE ALL HATE YOU."

It also interprets you as saying, "You must be a bad Mormon because you don't agree with me."

To which I answer, "If you're not God or the prophet, I don't have to agree with you."

But that's besides the point. I'm not telling you to do anything you're not comfortable with. I'm not telling you not to comment on anything I post. I'm just explaining the effect your comments have on me.

And yet, I still post things. Because I believe in them. And to me, that's more important than huddling up and waiting for the impact.